The gadgets and technologies aid us in our obsession for attention and perhaps fuel these obsessions. I got lost. Somewhere in the midst of graduate school, teaching multiple courses, managing a case load of students with disabilities and studying for the LSAT I've lost a sense of what is important. Tranquility, me-time, meditation; the list of what I've placed on the back burner goes on and on and I cannot go another step without returning to my anchor. I've wondered why I seem unusually frustrated and overwhelmed and just now, in this very moment as I'm sitting in my kitchen it's hitting me. I forgot how to be alone.
I don't remember the last time I was in total isolation with my thoughts. Even now as this epiphany comes rushing in, I am not sitting in a room alone but I am writing in a public forum for all to see and it feels good. It feels good to admit that I haven't had it all together lately and while I'm not drowning, I'm not floating peacefully on the surface of a still lake either.
I've learned not to be rigid in my spiritual understandings and to not create rules out of the lessons I learn along the way, but rather to cherish the moments when I'm forced to see my own shit. For the first time in a while I'm looking under my bed and seeing that its a bit messy under there and while it's not the end of the world, it's also not a sign that I can leave the sheets drapping over the edge of my mattress and barely touching the floor to hide it all.
In my apartment, at this very moment, I am alone acknowledging my isolation and for the first time in a while I am having an honest conversation with me about my fears, my needs, my success and all of the mess I've been intentionally running away from.